It’s not about bald-faced lying, trying to save face, or projecting a false image of success. Some people out-and-out lie.īut “bipolar pretending” is different. I know that many people pretend at their high school reunions.
So, I lay back in the seat and tried to just breathe…. I needed quiet time to recover from an hour of pretending to be okay. I was shaken, a shell of myself, and I unable to drive home. And, when I got to the car, I just sat there.Īgain, ten minutes became twenty, and thirty became an hour. There was no connection because there was no honesty. I pretended to have sold my business and was now looking for new opportunities.Īs I pretended, the distance between myself and my old friends grew. Upon entering, I felt strongly that I should not be there. I believed I would be avoided and ostracized if I shared my reality.Īfter an hour, I gathered all my energy and went in. In truth, my story was one of fighting my demons and rebuilding my life versus giving in and giving up. I kept thinking, I’m mentally ill.… I’m a failure. I was convinced that could not let people see who I really was. When I got there, I sat in the parking lot. It was all I could do to get in the car and drive to the location. On the day of the reunion, I was anxious and afraid. So, I wondered, What do I say instead? In the midst of my illness, being myself was not an option. I wanted to see people I knew and liked.īut I also knew, because of the embarrassment I felt and the social stigma, I did not want to share anything about my bipolar disorder. The thought of going was overwhelming, and it filled me with anxiety. I remember being invited to my high school reunion during a very dark time. Anxiety, Fear, and Equating Bipolar with Failure And communicating with others was a serious struggle. Heck, I was barely able to get up in the morning. I told people everything but the truth-that I live with bipolar disorder, had a severe breakdown and hospitalization, and that I was unable to hold a job. With extended family, I said I was “looking for new opportunities.” (I did the same with other acquaintances.).When I saw somebody I knew and they asked me what I was doing-which was a fairly common occurrence-I told them I was “semi-retired.”.When I could not work and was home with the kids, I said I was “spending quality time with my kids.”.When I lost the business and went broke, I pretended that I had sold the company.But I certainly didn’t share that information with anyone. Even when the bipolar depression made it almost impossible to function, and the mania included risky behavior.Īfter my breakdown, when I lost almost everything-my business, our savings, our house (which led to homelessness)-I was unable to work, spend time with family, or interact socially.
Hiding the Truth about Depression, Mania, and Hospitalizationīefore my breakdown, I pretended to be okay. And I realize now that I had spent a lot of this time pretending with people outside of my immediate family.
Specifically, from the time before I had my worst “breakdown,” which started my “lost years,” up until today. My bipolar disorder has impacted every part of my life. That’s different from “bipolar pretending,” where acting like you’re “okay” is a matter of survival. Everybody pretends sometimes-glossing over ugly truths, exaggerating, even lying.
0 kommentar(er)
